this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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