Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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