she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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