I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
