dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
