I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
