i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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