I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
