nut hugger
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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