WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
