i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
