I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
