are you still at the devil's house?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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