I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
