just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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