Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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