I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
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