May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
