I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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