umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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