Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
