upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
