can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
