to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
