they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
