she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize