every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
