Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
