He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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