It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
