Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
