ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
