He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize