a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
