so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
