All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
