just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
