come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
