my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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