Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
