The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
