Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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