I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
