On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
