I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize