naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Randomize
