Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
