ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
He kissed a someone with a penis
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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