Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
