she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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