I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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