There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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