When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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