I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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