so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
