worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize