i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
