I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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