I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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