i think my tv is drunk
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
