I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
